Dumb White Guy Part 2

So you suffered through Part 1 and that wasn’t enough for you? You actually decided to waste whatever ounce of energy it takes to click on that Play button, and you’ve returned to continue the thrilling adventures of the Dumb White Guy. Good for you, you sick masochistic bastard.

As I mentioned in my prior post, I’ve decided to raid the vaults and offer up some choice cinematic selections from my past. I’ve actually got some gems out there (as these things go) but this first feature wouldn’t be one of those. That said, I have no shame and judging by the dialogue in Part 2, no sense of proper structure, cadence or form of the English language. Me good with hammer, though.

In Part 1, not much happened. There was a fancy new credit sequence that I appended to the front of the film. The original credits were done on my old 1992 IBM desktop computer using its Neolithic Paint program (the cavemen had better technology). We filmed them off the screen – meaning they were plagued with flicker and completely illegible. I think this new credit sequence is probably as good as this flick is gonna’ get so if you weren’t grooving on my quasi-creepy X-Files vibe, you ought to punch out now.

Following the credits, we met my character – Skip Tyler – a Senior at Turner Cove College who is looking ahead to graduation with mounting dismay as the comforting cocoon of college life will soon dry to a withered husk, leaving him alone to find himself in the big wide world. None of that character development was revealed in the script, however. That would involve some semblance of careful craftsmanship on my part and let’s be honest, I was two weeks away from graduating the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and wrote this thing on the stumble between keggers. But, as Creative Writing 101 taught me, it’s all in the subtext.

So, plot doesn’t matter although I’ll do my best in each of these posts to give you a sense of what we were trying to do – basically the Behind the Scenes info. I always dreamed of hosting my own Director’s Commentary.

Based on the horrible sound quality of the original master tape coupled with my decision to redo the soundtrack, it’s not quite clear in Part 1 that a loud rasp on the door has interrupted Skip’s morning calisthenics but that’s just what happened. This is supposed to be set-up for a series of mysterious incidents (and DEATHS) that will plague this sleepy college hamlet. Geez, you would of thought I could learn proper foreshadowing from all those episodes of Murder She Wrote my grandmother provided instant play-by-play of.

The other thing to note in Part 1 is I apparently had hair at one point. Let this be a lesson to you kids. Karma’s a fickle bitch. In Part 2 we’ll meet Chaz Perkins (played by my longtime bud Rich Gobeil) and in Part 3, Joe Dolat essays the role of Roma Scarpetti. Both guys began losing their luxurious golden locks in college and I made damn sure that not a day would go by that I wouldn’t remind them that somewhere, way up there in the heavens, the newly launched Hubble Telescope had gone haywire – having been stunned by the blistering gleam reflecting off their chrome domes.

In the year 2008, I am frequently mistaken for Vic Mackey, Charles Barkley or Mr. Clean – depending on the day.

Anyway, Part 1 ends with me heading off to meet my pals and with you, the viewer, wondering when some stitch of plot might actually be woven in.

In today’s feature, we encounter Juice Sawyer (played by Justin Smith). As the year was 1994, a mere nine months after Steven Spielberg taught the world how to digitize a dinosaur, our effects technology was primitive – basically paper, crayons and whatever paste wasn’t consumed in craft services. Oh, and fancy editing. I know what you’re thinking – how did we ever get that marker off Justin’s face? Movie magic, my friends.

In rewatching this, I noticed that the poor quality of the tape really hinders one of the few genuinely funny moments – Rich in a silk teddy. It’s tough to tell, but we got Rich all glammed up in his best Baby Doll which he is wearing when he greets Justin at the door. This would be a running gag and would pay big dividends in a feature we made a few years later where I dressed Rich in a large pink woman’s sweater (and purse) and had him chased through a Papa Gino’s parking lot (by a menacing minivan) in broad daylight. Yes, Rich – I have the footage and Yes, it will be making an appearance on this site. In this election year, I’m dashing all of my posse’s public office hopes and dreams.

Not enough to make this Must See TV? How about this? Part 2 ends with a shower scene.

Now that’s hot!!!

One comment [now closed]

  • Yikes! Shower scene sounds effects scared the hell-outta my cat. Got a 20 pound Maine Coon racing around my laptop trying to figure out what’s up. My have to play it again just for that!!!