Dumb White Guy Part 1

I have been trying to figure out a way to upload my videos to this site for months and finally I found my solution. Yup, this newfangled doohickey YouTube is my ticket to fortune and glory. And what’s this I hear about a Google on the Internets?

As some of you know, I was a helluva’ videophile back in my day with my eye on one day taking Hollywood by storm.

It began back in my college days at UMASS Amherst. As the sand ran down on my senior year, I decided instead of taking some random Polaroids (that was WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY before digital anything), instead I would grab a video camera and film my cronies. And none of that ad-hoc “look into the camera and say a few words” cliche BS. Nope – I decided I would script something and have some of my friends act their parts out. And not just anything. Nope, I was gonna’ give Ed Wood a run for his money.

What follows is easily the worst thing I have ever created – a film so bad that it’s a damned good thing I found my way accidentally thrust into the financial services sector (where every day I lose another ounce of soul). At least working there, I get to eat.

Enough humble pie… I will admit that over the years I’ve honed my chops and I have no doubt that I could really make something worth viewing these days – had I enough time to actually devote to the craft. Ahhhh, the ever present Catch-22. When all I had was time, I didn’t have the knowledge or discipline. Now that I have the smarts and know-how, I lack the time. My kingdom for a time machine.

Anyway, I’ll probably post some of my later works over the next few months, but to kick things off proper, I say we all sit for a spell and enjoy the misery that is Dumb White Guy. I’ve broken this up into six or several parts and will post a new one every couple of days. Word of warning – this was filmed in 1994 and on a Fisher Price ViewMaster so the sound quality is not the greatest. I’ve tried my best to update the soundtrack but there are moments here that nothing short of napalm could save.

Oh – and I have no doubt that knowing the way they cultivate talent, my agent should be getting calls from Hollywood within minutes.

Without further adieu, I present (without pride) Dumb White Guy – Part 1.

Comments now closed (9)

  • Awesome that you were able to get it on youtube. Is this the one with my interesting attire in one scene?

  • For video games, I have been playing Resident Eveil 4 on the WII, and I love it. I bought a WII a couple months ago. I just wish that they would come out with more games like RE4

  • @Rich – Shhhh – You’ll give away the big plot twist. Yup, that should show up somewhere around Part 3.

    As for games on the Wii – RE4 is fantastic. I couldn’t agree more. RE5 comes out in 2005. Other great games on the Wii include Super Mario Galaxy and Legend of Zelda – Twilight Princess. Both are amazing.

    Also – the new Madden comes out tomorrow and Wii finally has online support for it. I got your # and will give you a call.

  • Whew! So far I’ve watched up through Part 3, and I’m still trying to get a good look at the posters on the wall in your dorm, kind of like when you used to count the cracks in the ceiling at Church when you were a kid. (still do it? so do I)

  • @Dana B:
    First, let me say on behalf of The Ed Zone community, that we’ve been really jonesing for our Dana fix. Take that as you will. : )

    As for the posters, if I recall correctly (and I am going to try to do this from memory – I’ll check the video out and vet it later) – they are:
    1. Pearl Jam Ten
    2. House of Pain
    3. Batman Returns
    4. Falling Down
    5. The Naked Gun 2 & 1/2 (remember when Blockbuster rose to power and kicked all those Mom & Pop video stores to the curb – guess who swiped the “blankets” they were using to warm themselves on the park bench?)
    6. The Charles Barkley/Michael Jordan Monster Jam poster (the one where they are going all Godzilla on Tokyo)

    You know – it’s bad enough writing all that. I actually lived in that room for a year. No wonder I didn’t get lucky.

  • WOW! De ja vu ! (ok so I still can’t spell) Watching that I could remember the … ahem… dialog before it even started. Ed, why haven’t we seen you at the Oscars?????

  • When I posted this, I thought long and hard. Sure, the upside was I could show another side of me – a guy who once had hair. But on the flip side, there is that dialogue which I feverishly scribbled in Nutrition 101.

    Give me a video camera now though and lookout Spielberg…