Vows and Verse


On Monday, I posted a detailed dispatch from my Dad’s recent wedding. What you missed in US Weekly (damn paparazzi!!!), you can read about here.

I decided to post the full text of my speech for all of you to enjoy – giving me the opportunity to pepper the document with a few more photos from the big day. Now, keep in mind, this is a speech and is meant to be read aloud in a particular fashion so if some parts come across as a bit awkward – believe me – the truth was in the telling. We’re talking poetry in motion, baby.

This is all part of my mission to use this site as an online catalog of my life’s work. Here you’ll eventually find everything I’ve ever written, spoken or thought about (yes, that means a detailed proposal of the ‘strip club barber shop’ is long overdue).

But that’s a tale for another day. For now, let’s stick with more wholesome concerns.
(*Editor’s Note – Moments before the ceremony began, Missy’s daughter Jamie provided me with a three foot cardboard cutout of a Coronoa Bottle to use as a placard upon which I could recite my speech from. I taped the speech to the back of the ‘bottle’ and improvised a new opening. When I began to speak, I held the Corona Bottle in front of me which earned a raucous cheer. You should see me at funerals!!! Anyway, I’ve italicized the improvised piece. The rest was scripted. I did a rewrite on David Mamet’s original – taking out approximately 32 references to “mother-f’n bridal party”. I mean, c’mon, that’s just inappropriate.)


Anyway, enough preamble. Here goes:

Surgeon General’s Warning. Consumption of alcoholic beverages can cause severe impairment and inability to speak at wedding ceremonies.   (I hear some stifled laughter and a muffled “What a jerk!” I continue.)

When I was first asked to say a few words at the wedding of my Dad and Missy, I jumped at the opportunity. My Dad has meant so much to me in my life – and to see him together with such a fantastic woman as Missy – made me proud to be part of their special day. Plus, the dress code called for shirts plastered with naked Tiki girls and giant Mojitos, so it’s really a huge Win-Win situation for all involved. 

All joking aside, I am thrilled to see this day come – and see my Dad enter into matrimony and a lifetime of wedded bliss with Missy – truly a wonderful and special woman who from the day I met her – has felt like family.

Over the past several years, our family has grown close with Missy’s family and vice versa – and thought it may be a cliché – it truly feels like we’ve all known each other a lifetime. But that’s the wonderful thing about clichés. They’re oft-told because they speak such great truths.

I remember Andrea, my wife, commenting so perfectly on the family dynamic that has strengthened between all of us. She said that she just felt so welcome and invited anytime we were visiting my Dad and Missy – and she remarked that the various gatherings we’ve attended – where Dad, Missy, Jamie, Steve, Lauren, Brendan, Jenna, Eric, Noelle and all of the kids and extended relations – felt so comfortable – like we all had this shared history that stretched decades. In truth, some of us have known each other a much shorter span of time – but with the dynamics that have evolved – it seems timeless. It just illustrates one indisputable truth.

We’re family.

Today is symbolic. It’s the day that my Dad and Missy place an official stamp on what we’ve all known for a long time.

They are husband and wife.

And I couldn’t be more thrilled. My Dad has informed so much of the man I have become – and to see him complete his life – with such a special woman as Missy – just makes me so proud and happy.

May they continue to be as blessed with each other in their lives as we are each and every day they are in ours.

Now, as wonderful as it is that I get to welcome two new sisters into my life, I can’t help but think that I’m a bit on the short-end of the stick. See, every ‘child’ involved in this union, now has a brother – with the notable exception of… ME!!!

So, I do have one small request…

Would it be too much to ask for a baby brother?

Bear in mind, it’s not like I’m 10 years old anymore, so he doesn’t have to be a newborn. I’m 34 years old, which means we have a nice wide open range to play with – a window from, let’s say… 26 to 33.

If you’d like, I can scour the black market and I’m sure we could find someone to adopt – say a lonely Laplander or a Canadian Longshoremen. Yeah, that would just be the best.

Me and my ‘hoser’ brother. 

So there you have it. What do you think? Too much clowning or just the right mix of sugar and spice. All I know is some guy approached me afterward and asked me if I needed an agent.

Imagine that… Me! The next Taylor Hicks!!!


Comments now closed (2)

  • I was so disappointed to have to miss my brother Ed’s wedding.(It being MY anniversary and all)Thanks for the published speech, clever as always. It’s funny you should mention it because we say it all the time; Missy has felt like family from the minute I met her.

  • @Aunt Suzanne – The good news is – if either you or my Dad forget your respective anniversaries – you just need to call the other.

    Now, if you both forget…