Here we are, Day 5 of the Scoob Casting Challenge – and the dreaded Eye of Sauron steadies its gaze on another poor soul. To date, we have successfully cast the roles of Mookie, Joe and Andi. Of course, what is past is prologue. It’s time we come out swinging at the heavy hitters.
Today I target… me (so yes, that heavy hitters line was a veiled fat joke). Oh, woah is me!!!
I’m a tough guy to nail down. I began my life living with my parents in Malden, MA. After a suspicious fire claimed our first floor portion of a triple decker – my family moved one town over to Everett, MA. My dad figured, if education didn’t take, I could always earn a decent living operating a crystal meth lab. We lived in our second apartment before another suspicious fire leveled that apartment. My Dad decided that the country would be a better locale to raise a brood (by that time my sisters Jenna and Noelle were in the mix) so he packed up the family Truckster and moved us south to Rockland – to a home of our own. Packing up our belongings – including the Hobbytown Young Pasteur Chemistry Set and 23000 pounds of nitrous fertilizer my Dad had surprised me with at Christmas – the whole family moved to our new abode. Several years went by – incident free – until a third suspicious fire gutted the first floor of our home and melted my Atari 2600. It was around this time that creepy old George C. Scott came snooping around – talking some nonsense about ‘black ops wetworks’ and ‘The Shed.’ Anyway – I digress. While living in Rockland, I busied myself by getting a paper route (where I met my best bud Sean), busted my ass hauling the catch of the day down at the docks of Rockland Bay and going on the occassional faux-crime sprees in my spare time. Upon graduation from Rockland High, I enrolled in the University of Massachusetts to pursue a career in Journalism. At the University, I caused a minor stir by writing a scathing expose on this guy.
(Yes, it was Mook who dropped the dime on the ‘roid raging dalmation.)
Aside from studying, scribing and socializing – I filled the remains of my days with a little healthy streaking. (To quote Frank the Tank “We’re going streaking… through the quad to the gymnasium. Who’s with me?”) I eventually graduated and took a job with the same Company X that my wife Andi helped dismantle. 12 years post-graduation, I continue to extend my “I’m working in the financial industry for one year – ya’ know, just to earn some money to pay off my Dodge Neon – then I’m gunnin’ for Wolf Blitzer” pledge. Twelve years?!?!? I could have enrolled and graduated college three times over. Who am I kidding? Now where’s the SoCo. Ahhhh, that feels better. Anyway, to justify the tuition, I hunker down before this monitor, bathed in pleasing cathode rays (and date myself by name dropping ‘cathode’) and continue to “report” on Mookie’s latest movements. Yup, I’m one step removed from the rambling manifesto and subterranean lair in the woods. Oh well, on to who should play me.
Who Should Play Ed In The Feature Film
The Ed Zone selects Kevin James. (Bear in mind – I did not make this pick. My partner in crime in dreaming this project up (Mook) was adamant that I use Kevin James to play me. He says its a personality thing, but to be honest, I can’t look beyond the girth. I know he’s using this as a veiled way to pin me as a porker.)
Who Will Play Ed In The Feature Film
MyHeritage.com selects Nicholas Cage (This is a pretty good match as I have been pegged as either a Nick Cage or a Stallone since grade school. It’s the broken nose and the sunken eyes that do it. I’ve never had my nose broken – although last year, when I saw a sinus specialist for chronic sinusitis, he asked if I had, so for all I know, Andi’s has been hammering me with haymakers in my sleep for years.)
Which Celebrity Does Ed Most Resemble
Well, if we’re aiming to cast me, I guess we’re in the market for a balding funnyman who isn’t as funny as he think he’s is. Celebrating my Canadian heritage, deal or no deal, I guess I gotta’ go with this gloved freak.
Or Johnny Damon.