You gotta have faith! So sayeth, George Michael.

I know what you’re thinking. What am I, the ringleader to this ramblin’ rodeo doing tackling such major themes as faith and devotion? Not to worry - I’m hitting this topic as fleet and free-form as I nail all the rest - of course, I’ll try on a bit of sensitivity and see if it fits. When one gets the notion to tackle peity, you may want to devote more than a few lines and save the tired Gigli sidebar for the next day.

All I know is, every few years, the news media jumps all over an alleged ‘miracle’. Usually the story surrounds either:

a. A comatose kid with miraculous healing powers
b. A mysterious image materializing in some every day item (see the Hello Kitty Grilled Cheese above)
c. A no talent big-bottomed gal marrying her way through Hollywood

I recall a news piece - from a few years back - that reached out and grabbed my attention. The article in question concerned the heavenly image example - specifically a visitation on the grounds of Milton Hospital in Milton, MA.

The story goes like this. Back in the summer of 2003, some wacked out fanatic was wandering the hospital grounds when she looked up and spied the ghostly visage of the Virgin Mary in a window located on the 3rd floor. This wacko went into the hospital and told all of her miraculous find.

That really should have been enough evidence to administer 32,000 cc’s of L-dOPA and call it a day, but unfortunately, the Boston media picked up on the story and fanned the flames of hysteria. You know, there’s never a snakehead fish with bird flu around when you need one.

Despite the hospital administration’s claims that the image was formed by a mixture of cleaning products and condensation that became trapped in the two-ply layer of protective glass, a mass pilgrimage commenced to the site to worship at the foot of Windex.

At this moment I digress to offer some perspective.

Every summer, my friends and I find an excuse to take a day trip to Nantucket to drink up that island nectar. A couple years back - on a particular bright and sunny summer’s day - I stood on the aft deck of the island ferry soaking up the rays as we steamed towards the Gray Lady. Though the sky was tinged a particularly brilliant shade of blue, a handful of puffy white fair weather clouds dotted the horizon, each engaged in a mesmerizing ballet of metamorphosis. Those clouds put on a helluva show. Here was a butterfly. There Mt. Doom. Oh look, a sea horse. Finally, the coolest one of them all - a pirate ship with its mast tall and its sail drunk on wind. The pirate ship lingered longest and though its presence added a few ‘Arghs’ to our vocal stylings, at the end of the day, we knew there was no pirate ship. Usually a cloud is just a cloud.

At the ripe old age of 33, I have a pretty healthy understanding of how this world works. What I can’t back up with fact, I fill in the blanks with gut feeling and women’s intuition.

Religion, the worship of a god, is one area that I think I have worked out. Now, I’m no Bible Thumper nor am I a dyed-in-the-wool atheist (just one encounter with giving a friend over to Death’s cool grip is enough to make you want to believe in something (ANYTHING!!!) beyond this life.)

Rather I am a realist. I am not sure that I believe in a god so much as I believe in the possibility that anything is possible. But as George Carlin has pointed out, to believe that there is an ’invisible man’ sitting around watching us, is a little tough to swallow. For one - if He really wanted believers, as the Bible claims He does, then buy ad space on Super Bowl Sunday.

Now a life force - A unifying, universe covering force that is beyond our comprehension. Yeah. Maybe???

Personally, invisible men aside, I believe religion has its place. I believe it is a vital social tool, when used properly, to instill morals - to teach us how to be nicer people. Ultimately it is a great global safety blanket.

We only need to look at Greek Mythology to see the roots. After all, the Greeks had hundreds of Gods. (“Hundred of Gods??? They’re wacky. Everyone knows there’s only one all seeing, all knowing Invisible Man.”) A bolt of lightning? That’s just that zany Zeus. Essentially, Gods were created to make sense of the world and to define all those scary things the world is always throwing at us. Of course, over the years, we figured it all out. Lightning is the product of charged ions in the atmosphere. Rub two sticks together and we create fire. Information travels faster over fiber optics.

Leaving death as the sole undiscovered country. And since no one ever wakes from that dirt nap, it remains the one area we know absolutely next to nothing about. And it remains the one constant that scares all of us. No matter who you are - eventually Death catches up with you (Take it from me, I’ve seen Final Destination three times.)

What do today’s modern religions covet as their central conceit? They are travel agencies to the afterlife - helping us get our soul in order before the voyage to the great beyond. And that makes everyone feel better. If we must die at least we are going to a place that looks a lot like Myst.

Bringing us back to Milton Hospital. When one spies a visage in a hospital window and refuses to believe rational explanations which fly in the face of pure, stupid blind faith it makes me shudder for the species. As with anything, overindulgence can be a dangerous thing.

I once saw the face of Normal Fell in a smear of strawberry cream cheese, and I’ve got to tell you, that was one of the most enjoyable bagels I ever had the privilege of jamming down my pie hole. I was thinking about it hours later. I mean… Norman Fell!!! The way he busted through the 4th wall on TV’S Three’s Company and later The Ropers.

Now that was a comedy God!