Guest Blogger – Mookie
In honor of this weekend’s Academy Awards, I am going to give out some awards. Please note that these are not necessarily predictions. In fact, a few of them won’t even appear among the list of nominees. This is more of a “in a perfect world” scenario.
Best Actor: That guy who plays Benjamin Franklin on the Ask a Freemason commercials. This radio spot amazes me on multiple fronts. First, sheer volume. I have single handedly managed to hear the spot three times on two different stations within 5 minutes. Here’s how it’s done. Listen to Dennis & Callahan on WEEI in the morning. Usually, when you tune in, there will be a set of commercials (as there is a 3:1 ad to programming ratio in that time slot). Usually, Ben will be nestled somewhere between John Shibley and those Atlantic Power Cleaning guys.
Once the ads are over and George Dubya Callahan begins to talk, skip on down the dial to listen to “Weather on the Ones” and “Traffic on the Threes” on WBZ news radio. Incongruously, between “Weather on the Ones” and “Traffic on the Threes” they seem to be able to jam in five minutes of commercials, inside of which, you can invariably find Ben Franklin imploring you to “ask a freemason.”
Coincidentally, if you’ve ever thought there might be greatness in you, you may actually want to Ask a Freemason how their secret society can help you protect Jesus’ bloodline (or something like that). If you want to know the facts, just read the DaVinci Code or better yet… get the distilled facts from the upcoming movie release starring two-time best actor award winner Paul Bettany (for A Knight’s Tale & Wimbledon, both for his stunning portrayal of British albinos).
Anyway, after “Traffic on the Threes,” just bounce back on over to Dennis and Callahan . You can usually catch the Sports Flash followed by another dose of Ben Franklin. It’s not only volume, though, that wins this award. Never before, have I ever observed such an honest, frank portrayal of a great historical figure. Capote and Murrow got nothing on ‘old Ben. I mean, just hearing that voice and the period music in the background both transports me to another era and inspires me to reach greater heights.
Yes, Ben. THERE IS GREATNESS IN ME!
Worst Actor: The guy that left the following message: “Thank You. You have reached our fund raising corporation, where we get paid by primarily non-profit organizations to ruin your evening by calling at the worst possible time. We’re so sorry we can’t take your money at this time. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll have somebody annoy you again on behalf of that organization you so graciously gave money to 17 years ago. Also please mention the names of any other organizations on whose behalf you’d like us to annoy you in the future.”
Yes… I got an unsolicited call from an 800 number the other night, and out of curiosity called the number back. That was the message on the voice mail. In response, I left the message, “My name is Rich Gobeil, and I’d like to contribute to your Ask a Free Mason Initiative and the Rockland High A/V Club if you’ve got ‘em. Thank you.”
Worst Supporting Actor: And the award goes to the Webmaster for “Illuminating, the online newsletter of the UMass College of Humanities and Fine Arts.” Yesterday, I got an unsolicited e-mail from this newsletter. That unto itself was no surprise. Since I became a member of the alumni organization, I get all sorts of junk e-mail. Usually, they tell me someone is trying to contact me through the alumni network and the only way I can find out who is by renewing my membership, which coincidentally, expired last week… and I wonder whether it is one of my former classmates looking for help finding a job (I studied English), or a professor wanting to publish one of my papers in his book. Funny how my message is always from the Webmaster, and it tells me that the Missouri chapter of the University of Massachusetts Alumni Association is hosting a recruitment drive on some riverboat casino. Thanks a lot. I had to renew for THAT!?! The lesson is.. obviously…don’t join the Umass alimni association when they tell you that one of your classmates is trying to contact you.
Anyway, so I got this e-mail for this “Illuminating” newsletter, and suddenly I got a response from someone else asking to removed from the distribution list, and then another and another. Apparently, the “Reply” function somehow became a reply all. Now this can be funny in a corporate setting, where some idiot replies all, commenting on his attraction to that “piece of tail” in accounts payable, or stating how he really feels about a certain executive whose head is in an anatomically inappropriate place, but let us stop and consider how many people have passed through the University of Massachusetts College of Humanities and Fine Arts… Needless to say, I had over 100 e-mail responses in my inbox within the hour. They were gradually morphing from “Please Remove” to “What the Hell is this”. To threats of legal action. To plots to destroy Herter Hall. All told, last night I had to delete over 400 e-mail messages from people who were responding to this dumb online newsletter.
So my Stupidest Supporting Cast goes to my brethren in the College of Humanities & Fine Arts, who once realizing that all the responses were being sent to everyone on the list, decided to keep responding. I thank you for helping my repetitive stress disorder (clicking delete) to reach stage three.
Post Script: OK, Mr. Humphries, you have your guest blog. At $1 per word, that will be $1140, and for the Shibley and Herter Hall references, I’ll charge the low one time fee of $20/each. It was a pleasure doing business with you. Keep an eye on the ratings. Scrim will undoubtedly be able to trace the spike in readership to new, unique users from every corner of the imagination. He might also be able to also provide information on where they live, what they ate for dinner last night, and how many unique porn sites they have visited (other than yours) in the past 36 hours. Next installment I will be expecting $1.20 per word and a 5% bump for each 15,000 visitors I bring to your site. And I will accept your gratitude for cornering the market on folks who Google “John Shibley + Jesus’ bloodline.”
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(Editor’s Note – Mark McGrath is no longer a freelance contributor to The Ed Zone. All those that would like to reach him for comment, please Ask a Freemason. Those guys know everything!!!)