With Valentine’s Day (o una Dia de Las Novias o Los Novios) set with an ETA of 3 days and counting, I turn my attention to Univision Telemundo - which has the uncanny ability of grabbing my wandering eyes and channel-surfing fingers for a few moments each time I pass - filling my heart with fondness for all the inspired insanity that transpires in that universe on a daily basis. Plus, there’s the everpresent wish that this will be the time we get the inevitable Simpsons Bee Guy cameo, thus making Mi Viva, Muy Loco indeed.

From their outlandish soap operas (or telenovelas) where great big fat guys score the chicas by the barril por completo to the shear madness that is Sabado Gigante (you know you’ve seen this all-day variety show that finds interesting ways to segue from the Mexican Midget Dial-a-Date (o pequeno gente to be politically correct) to a riveting Detra de la Musica on Shakira’s ascent from poverty to pop-stardom) - Telemundo has it all.

Sabado Gigante seems primed as the premiere audition tape for potential applicants to HBO’s Shock TV (which is basically a soft-core expose of the world’s television market.) Forget all the current theories on how the U.S. came to rule the roost of the geopolitical landscape - take any episode of 24, Lost or hell, According to Jim and put it up against Japan’s Jumpin’ Jo Jo Funny Ha Ha Sausage Hour and Friends and you’ll see clearly now that the United States is the world’s Pop Culture Sugar Daddy. Ahem, sorry for the tangent, we now return to our regularly scheduled programa.

If I had to choose the one defining moment that made me a Gigante groupie it would be their shocking interview with what appeared to be the Latino (Latina?) Marilyn Manson. Draped in goth paraphenelia, teeth filed to fangs, sporting snakeeye contact lenses - he finished a set featuring his new hot single Los Gentes Bonitas and settled down on the couch - telling fellow guest Paul Rodriguez to take a hike and proceeded to hiss and snarl at the audience while the host baited him with questions that while linguistically I no lo comprende, I instictively knew to be SHOCKING!!! Well, I tell ya, that audience wasn’t gonna’ take it and they let loose with a collective stream of Aye Carambas before being coaxed into a complete frenzy with this tirade from this bad hombre.

Glaring down upon the audience he uttered in his most sinister hiss - YO COMPRO MI MADRE LAS FLORES!!!? I don’t know what it meant but it sounded horrific and I was hooked.

Well, that’s all for this time. See you next time.

Mismo Murciago Tiempo — Mismo Murciago Cauce.